I have never found dating easy.
I had my first real boyfriend when I was sixteen. We both worked at CVS together, and he was a ginger with a limp. Yes, my first boyfriend had a limp, (he was in a bad car crash as a kid) and the girl he dated before me was missing half her arm. I PROMISE the men I date now are (more) attractive. I was maybe just a little insecure as a teenager. The best part of this story is when armless girl came in to my job to stalk me, I should have known right there that my dating life was going to be the worst.
Online dating is so unfortunate. I tried it for about three months and went on seven first dates. I did date a couple of them but most of the men I met were tools. I don’t think it’s easy to meet people in NYC so I highly recommend a dating site as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into. You have your very own profile. It has a bio and pictures. Of course you only pick the best pictures of yourself and in your bio you make yourself sound wickedly awesome.
For example, I have really long toes. My doctor calls them “Finger Toes”, He says he wants to shorten them. Kinda gross, right? But If I talked about how great I’m at giving massages with them, then it changes everything.
After signing up I some how managed to book two dates in one night - I wasn’t really sure how I was going to get away with this, but I was determined to start dating and meeting people. I spent the last two years head-over-heels for my best friend. Unfortunately I was just strung along and wasted a great deal of time, so with two dates in one night I felt like I was making up for it.
Man number one and I decided to meet up at Banana Republic. It was a strange place to meet, he was browsing and I walked into the store and felt like I was playing ‘Where’s Waldo?’. When we finally found each other we didn’t hug or shake hands or anything, just smiled and walked over to a nearby Starbucks.
Lame, I know.
He wasn’t that exciting and at first I thought he had a speech impediment, but he was very shy and nervous. So nervous, in fact, that he was stuttering. He was skinny, had a full beard, and was maybe 6’0. I hate when guys go on and on about how tall they are but then they’re only 6’0. Give me a break! If you can play the same position in basketball with Heidi Klum, we can’t date. What was really interesting about this guy was that he had a fucking tribal tattoo. Who the fuck has a tribal tattoo?! Do you listen to Nickelback?! He was skinny too which made the tattoo even worse. Don’t get me wrong I love guys with ink, but a tribal tattoo? Is this 1999? Besides this ‘I’m a tool tattoo’ he was really nice and had good taste in music, but there wasn’t any chemistry - if anything I thought he would be a cool friend.
The end of dates is always awkward. Like a true gentleman, he walked me to my subway platform and waited with me for the train. Well, there goes listening to my iPod. We were in the middle of a conversation when my train began pulling in to the station. Up until this point, I hadn’t thought of how we would end the date. A hug? A kiss? A fist bump? I figured when the time came we would figure it out together. I realized how bad an idea this was when I continued my sentence as I stepped onto the train and waved through the closing doors.
I told man number two that I was coming from work and we ended up meeting at a diner back in Queens. He was 6’5, a musician, and he looked like super man in his photos. At first I thought he was a real gentleman. He would open doors and pull the chair out for me. Some gentleman he turned out to be! All he would do was talk about himself! And he was not a working music composer like he said. He would compose music for student films, or YouTube videos, or something ridiculous like that. Amazing how you can make yourself sound cooler than you are in an online dating profile. I guess telling people you’re a “working actress” isn’t exactly honest when the extent of your acting is holding a smile while waiting a table. This guy was so pretentious, whenever I would start to speak he would interrupt me and start talking about himself again. If I tried to bring up the weather, the conversation would somehow make its way full circle to a story on how he rode a tornado.
I had to get out of there so I told him I had an “audition” in the morning. When we were walking he kept saying “Oh I’m 6’5 and your 5’11 its like, perfect.” “I’m 6’5 and your 5’11, I can do things like this,” and he would wrap his arm around my waist. How annoying; This is not okay. I would slowly walk, prying myself away from him, but he would keep trying to put his arms all over me. He was not getting the hint. “You should come over next time and watch a movie on my big screen tv with surround sound. Did I say it has surround sound?” Really man? “Yeah, I own the apartment building that all my friends live in,” it was just getting worse.
We were getting very close to my block and I didn’t want him to know where I lived so at the corner I said the first thing I could think of, “My mom told me not to let boys know where I live, so I’m going to listen to my mom.”
Always blame things on your mom, no one will ever question it.
You think he would have gotten the hint then. No, that’s when Mr. Pretentious closed his eyes and leaned forward for a kiss, and yet again I just went in for a hug. And that’s when he got the hint. He seemed so surprised. I will never forget the look on his face when I didn’t kiss him. He was so insulted. That’s when I ran away. Never heard from him again.
Two failed dates in one night. The next guy I met I dated for about a month. His last name was Cheeseman… Enough Said! #LactoseIntolerant