You never think you’re going to meet someone on the subway. Especially when it is at 2 a.m. Even if you do what are the chances that they are normal? I just finished a dinner shift at my wonderful, over-rated, tourist trap of a restaurant. Me and my friend Liz (who is a Jesus freak and fellow Virgin) is very pretty, very educated ,and a flirt. Well really she is really a big cock tease. So, Liz and I head to the train looking like trains wrecks. Working in Times Square is not very good for keeping your good looks.
One thing I love to do is play stalker. I know you do it too. Don’t judge me! I saw this attractive male sit down in one of the subway cars. I didn’t really see his face but I knew he was tall. Being a female who is 5’11 I had to follow him. You have to be at least 6’3 for me to ride anyones roller coaster.
So Liz and I sit right next to him. Luckily, Liz can read my mind and knew what I was doing . We started to talk really loudly about old school movies; The Goonies, The Runways, Hook, The Sandlot . Subway boy, who looks like Ben Affleck, got the hint and joined in. Shit! When does this really happen?? If you have ever been on the subway you know that people don’t talk to each other. People from New York just like to be left alone, either with a book or an iPod, nobody just makes friends on the subway. Turns out he is visiting his sister for the week. Great! No strings attached.
Once we hit our subway stop, we all decided to go grab a drink. Turns out Ben Affleck is taller then I expected, this mother fucker was 6’8. Can we say YES PLEASE! One thing I have learned is when a crazy tall man comes across a tall woman it’s on. It’s like they found another alien or something. Someone to mate with so they can have more and more tall babies so they can take over the world! Yup, tall men think they’re the shit. So we have a drink and he totally pays for me and asks me for my number.
Can I just say why the fuck do people text smiley faces??? I know I do it too but only when I have nothing to say. I just think it’s pussy when a dude texts you an emoticon smily face. Even worse…a wink! So he texts me that night with some emoticon smiley face.
We meet the next night for drinks. He was sweet and funny. Kept asking if I wanted a shot?? Weird. Every first date I go on, men always want to see whose hand is bigger. Right?!? What The Fuck . They always ask to see my hand and they put theirs against mine. It’s like one of those “hey, look our hands are touching moments”. I feel like this only happens to me because I have big hands. I guess these guys think I don’t know what they’re doing. But it happens every time, and my hands are never as big as theirs. So please men, stop thinking you have game.
Our date was over, nothing really exciting happened. We kissed goodbye and made plans for the next night. We spent most of the day texting and he kept putting those stupid smiley faces. We decided that when he was done hanging out with a friend he was visiting he would come over and we would watch a movie aka make out.
So Ben 6’8 doesn’t get to my apt till a little after midnight. Yup, at that moment I knew I was doomed. This was going to be more then a little make out . Luckily one of my roommates was home. Brian, one of my favorite people although he does not ever get a hint. He is one of those guys that think he’s a good wing man but really, you cant get any worse then Brian. There was this one time our other roommates boyfriends friend was staying with us . He was 6’6, a rocker, he does FX makeup and was one of the hottest guys I have ever met in my entire life. Now I already told you how tall people always want to mate with each other. Well of course Brian has to ask me if my twin brother is a virgin too while me and 6’6rocker are trying to get to know each other. THANK YOU BRIAN!
Brian does get a lot of play. He has these pretty green eyes and is very charming. I knew that Ben 6’8 was going to get along with him. Little did I know. He started to have a fucking man crush on Brian. All he wanted was to jam on the guitar with him. Even when Brian went to bed all Ben 6’8 could talk about was. “Oh you’re so lucky to have a cool roommate.” “Oh he’s so talented”, “ I just want to suck his dick” . Finally we are alone and at this point I’m over this guy. All I want is this dick sucker to leave so I can sleep. He does that fucking let’s touch each others hand and we kiss. It was one of the worst kisses of my life. There was just no sexual chem. He probably would have had a better time kissing Brian. We move into my bedroom and Ben 6’8 is trying to heat it up . All I could think about it how I don’t want to do anything with this guy. But what am I supposed to do?
I finally get the courage to say I didn’t want to do any more, that he was leaving and I just get very attached . I said whatever shit I could come out with to get this night to just end. The first thing out of his mouth was “You’re not a virgin, are you?” Shit! He knows! But this is also my way out. “Yes, I am.” He then starts saying how he would never pressure me into anything blah blah blah. Whatever Ben, get off me . So one would think the night was over…NOPE. This mother fucker Ben Affleck wanna be 6’8 I wanna fuck your male roommate’ starts telling me how my first time isn’t going to be that great and how I have high expectations. Didn’t he just tell me he wasn’t going to pressure me into sex?
Anyways we start kissing again and he starts fingering me. WITH ONE FINGER!THE WORST. Yes virgins are tight but one finger? It does nothing men! I felt like I was getting drier the more he did. I tried to tell him to use two . But his response was two fingers were going to hurt me. Then I never thought I would hear this in my life. He stops, looks at me and says, “ But my dick isn’t that big”. WHAT??? First of all, telling me your dick isn’t big is not going to make me give you my V card . Second why would you ever tell someone that you have a small dick? Is he saying his dick is thinner then two fingers? And when does NO not mean NO?? That was it, I was done. I don’t think I could be anymore turned off. We cuddled and even that was bad. As tears starting coming down my face, all I could think about was how I wanted him to be someone else.
The next morning he tells me how he wants to see me again in two months when he comes back to New York. Are you kidding me? This was the most awkward sexual encounter of my life and you want to see me again?